This is a good first draft, but it doesn?t sound like a finished piece. The most obvious reason is the production quality. The speaker is waaaay off mike, and so he sounds fuzzy and far away. He also sounds like he is reading off of a piece of paper. I want to feel like he is talking just to me.
As for the content, the writing is honest and heartfelt, but I heard a lot of redundancies. I think a good edit could make this work well. The piece could be about half as long as it is. While the emotions are there, I think the story needs a scene, and more specific, vivid descriptions.
This student is on the right path. He just needs to do some re-writing and practice his voicing and recording technique.
Review of Getting Raised
Jenny Asarnow
Posted on January 08, 2007 at 03:17 PM
This is a good first draft, but it doesn?t sound like a finished piece. The most obvious reason is the production quality. The speaker is waaaay off mike, and so he sounds fuzzy and far away. He also sounds like he is reading off of a piece of paper. I want to feel like he is talking just to me.
As for the content, the writing is honest and heartfelt, but I heard a lot of redundancies. I think a good edit could make this work well. The piece could be about half as long as it is. While the emotions are there, I think the story needs a scene, and more specific, vivid descriptions.
This student is on the right path. He just needs to do some re-writing and practice his voicing and recording technique.